It started as a child , I was always scared of my father, what he would do what he would say. He was a manic depressive schitophrenic , hot or cold, angry or sad. Never was there a normal from him. I was locked in my room dreading when he would focus his rage on me. He would yell at my mom in the other room, I could hear him through the door. Always in the fight or flight mode never able to relax and enjoy my life. Child abuse is an understatement but no one saved me, took me away from it. What good is child protective services? I did not even no about that option existed. My father never wanted me, taught me to fix cars, he never taught me anything. Well I take that back he taught me to be afraid always afraid.
I then went to high school and it did not get better there. I was picked on every day it was torture. Years later kids shot up the schools creating mass murder. I was so niave I never even thought of doing that. Taking all the evil that I experienced and snuffed the life out of them, I never expected or chose that as an option. Every day afraid to go to school afraid to go home. Fight or flight mode always on, no off switch.
Start work it is better a way to escape from home, no one knew me. I start anotther store. Meet my wife, we get married, things are going great. I get a small promotion. The guy who hired me moves to other side of big store Walmart. The new guy, my boss looks like he was witness relocation from Las Vegas mob. Slick backed hair, butterfly shirts, big Cadilac that could hold three bodies in the trunk. Him and assistant always ordering not needed product. The backroom is full, over full throwup onto the sales floor. My wife has kids from first marriage, the middle son is due to be first daddy. Wife is going, got permission no big deal. I go ask greasball to be off for the birth of vary first number one grand child. NO! no! Yes you heard me NO! I am crushed , devestated depressed. I call in next day and go any way to see the new baby boy. Joy, wonderment,wow a baby boy how about that. Taint of fear from being told no, joyousness turned to apprehension then to anger. Made big decision next two days sick for real, vomitting, stomach ache pain. Three days latter I tell store manager I do not want to work for him I no longer respect him, He never respected me at all. I transfer to other side of store to Hardware. He still came over and picked on me mistreated me. Never left me alone to do my job of hardware. Fight or flight mode on always on.
Sick again, headache, migraine, sleepy, tired sick why? Go to my doctor to find out why. Test, test, test, tests and more tests. Chronic fatigue Syndrome he says. Take these he says antidepressents these are. Am I depressed, that is what is wrong with me? Go back to work , did not take pill yet, still sick. Get a letter at home Walmart is cancilling my insurance no good reason. Argh! fight or flight mode always on again layer of anger there now.
Working at counter a customer asks" hey buddy do you know anything about carbon Monoxide alarms?" I look at package and read instructions. What? Makes you dizzy, tired, sick to your stomach, and headache. I open three alarms that says when the carbon monoxide occurs and at what level. Toys, Hardware and Automotive departments. I go home thinking how simple this could be it could not be that. Next day all alarms have a hit and it happened two to three hours ago. Lets see the box says at that consitration you will die in four hours. What? How did this happen? Boss look what I found out about. How did it happen? EPA does tests finds propane fllor buffers not maintained correctly. Fans on GM side shut off at night no circulation. Front doors locked up front no air movemnet. Fix the problem. Hey wait a minute I still paid to go to doctor out of pocket. Need to be test 24 hour after expossure for carbon monoxide. Note written by store manager to get insurance back again. Never felt right ever since. An accident claimed against me, no refund of money. Walmart made me sick and would not acknowledge doing do, the bastards.Anger floowed by fight or flight always on. Flight wins move to Duquoin Illionis to get out of the store. Evansville, Indiana and Henderson, Kentucky good bye and good ridance to bad people. New start new people, no one knows us but the store manager who was promoted up. Four years later I get a promotion to Assistant Manager training program. New challenges at last to see what I can do. Still hurt feel groggy , tired all the time. Do not know about fibromyalgia yet. Go to Chirpractor for sore neck pain. Crack Crack feel good for a few minutes any way then pain again.
All this contributing to what is going on with me. More later to present time.
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